As many of you are aware, Eric passed away early February 5. His funeral will be this Saturday, and his obituary runs today and tomorrow in the Salt Lake Tribune and the Deseret News.
Eric had a good night Monday night, waking up a lot but then going right back to sleep. I knew his body was slowly shutting down, but we didn't know how long it would take. We had been told by his doctor and by hospice that he would be more comfortable if he had a blood transfusion because his body wouldn't be in so much distress. Everyone assumed that he still had a week or two to live.
We were at LDS hospital at 8:00 a.m. Tuesday morning and Eric received two units of blood. Our nurse was so kind because it was obvious to her that Eric dying, but she also said that the blood would give him a positive boost. And it did. Throughout the day Eric had spurts of energy so that he could walk and carry on good conversations.
Our son Gregory flew in to SLC Tuesday morning and our son Michael picked him up at the airport and brought him to LDS. They visited with us there and it was a tremendous comfort. Gregory helped me bring Eric him and get him settled in. Eric sipped water, slept and visited with us throughout the day. Various family and friends came by or called, and Eric loved hearing from them. As people sent messages through various social mediums I passed them on to Eric.
By late afternoon Eric was telling people that he was going to pass away that night. With various others assisting, Gregory gave Eric a blessing in the afternoon and our son Stephen gave him a blessing in the evening. Both blessings reassured Eric that he was loved and would be missed, but that it was time for him to leave this earth life if that was his choice. Eric was able to say goodbye to Brent, Christina, and Matthew, our children who couldn't make it to Utah in time. He was also able to say goodbye to his father.
In the evening a few people gave Eric messages to pass on to loved ones on the other side. These messages really perked Eric up. He has hated feeling useless (his feeling, not mine. I have loved every minute that I have spent with him during this process.) Now he had a mission--delivering messages for friends and family.
We went to bed as normal, with Eric visiting with me several times. I was worried that Eric would feel disappointed waking up beside me in the morning. He was still too coherent and strong to die, and I know it is not easy to pass away even when we desire to do so.
Just before midnight Eric asked me to walk him to the bathroom. He walked there all by himself. After awhile we started to walk back to the bedroom. Eric started to tip forward so I grabbed him, thinking he was light headed or weak. But then he stiffened and I felt or heard something snap, and I knew he was passing away. I called for Gregory, who came running, and we gently lowered Eric to the ground and put a pillow under his head. We told him we loved him, to please go home to his loving Heavenly Father, and Gregory sang "I Am A Child Of God" to him. Within moments Eric took his last breath. It was all very fast, which is just what Eric wanted.
I called our children to let them know and our son Michael came to be with us. We covered Eric with a blanket and Gregory, Michael and I sat by him in the hallway and reminisced. When you are telling stories about Eric, you know that laughter will soon follow. We had a wonderful time with him.
Numerous people have expressed regret that they didn't have time to say goodbye to Eric. He knew that you loved him, and he knows it even better now that he is in a better place. We have been overwhelmed with the love and support we have received for the last nine months. Family, friends, and medical providers have all lightened our burden and lifted us up. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Several people have asked Eric what he has learned through all this. His advice would be:
Take a hike. Literally. Go for a walk and admire this beautiful world that God has created for us. Stretch your legs and get your heart pumping. Appreciate the beauty and function of the human body, even with its limitations.
Read a book. There is so much to learn in this life. Even as Eric's body was shutting down he continued to read, mark important passages, and share them with me. Read with a child. Ask them questions and answer their questions.
Lend a hand. People have asked how Eric was so inspired as to know when they needed to be noticed. Easy answer. We all have burdens that we carry, and Eric and I have yet to find someone that doesn't appreciate a little attention. There were many times he was truly inspired, and many times when he just tried to be a friend.
Say a prayer. Each one of us is a child of God, but some of us have a harder time accepting that. Don't be proud, pour your heart out in prayer. God loves you and will bring you peace. I know this is true.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Monday, February 3, 2014
Thank you for your prayers
A lot of craziness has happened since Wednesday. Eric had an endoscopy on Thursday, and radiation on Thursday and Friday. Friday at noon Eric started throwing up, and it continued into the night. Saturday morning we went to the BMT clinic at LDS hospital because he was dehydrated. We very naively assumed Eric would get an IV bag of fluid to rehydrate him and we would return home in a couple of hours.
Eric's dehydration aggravated his liver and kidney problems and his numbers were so bad they decided to admit him to the inpatient section of the BMT clinic. This brought back a lot of bad memories for Eric, especially having to be permanently connected to the IV pole. Throughout the day the medical staff kept adding new medications and changing old ones to try to stay on top of everything that was happening. When I left the hospital in the evening Eric was not happy to be there, but doing okay.
When I arrived back at the hospital early Sunday morning, Eric looked terrible. It had been a horrible night. His chest/abdomen were distended, his eyes looked swollen, and even the shape of his face was different. Because they needed more access to his veins than his newly imbedded port allowed, they took him to get a PICC line installed. His platelet count Sunday morning was barely high enough to allow the procedure. When they brought him back he was bleeding from the PICC line, a lot! They applied two different patches that contained clotting factor and a pressure bag, but it continued to bleed like the proverbial "stuck pig".
When the doctor came by in the early afternoon we asked her to tell us what all the numbers were, and what they really meant. She said the main thing we needed to know was that Eric's blast cells had more than doubled overnight. The chemo Eric was on takes three rounds over three months to ramp up enough to make a difference, and they had already reduced the number of days he could have the chemo because it was damaging his liver. So if the cancer is doubling overnight and the chemo isn't going to make a difference for three months, you can understand our dilemma.
We talked it over for a few minutes and let the doctor know that we were calling it quits and wanted to go on hospice. She was very supportive and instructed the nurses to do everything possible to give us as much help and support as was needed to get out of the hospital and make the transition. Even though the entire BMT inpatient staff was overwhelmed with patients this weekend, they were exceptional at making us a priority.
At our first consultation with the BMT clinic back in June of 2013, they had said that they would do everything possible to support us as we fought Eric's cancer with their state of the art medical capabilities, but the moment we said we would like to switch to a different strategy they would support us 100% in that choice also. They have been true to their word, first as we chose to go on maintenance chemo and now as we have chosen to go on hospice.
When they finally unplugged Eric from the IV pole, it felt to me like a big weight was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders. As we drove home Eric said how great it felt to be going home.
A lot of people fasted and prayed for us this weekend. As we were driving home it hit me that their faith and prayers had been a tremendous help in giving us the experience we needed and the clarity to know what we should do next. Eric had always said that he didn't want to bleed to death from a thousand paper cuts, and if we had stayed at the hospital and continued to be plugged into the medical system, that is what would have happened. They have an obligation to try to fix each problem as it comes up, and challenges had piled up at an alarming rate from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. We had been given a preview of what the future held for us if we stayed within the system.
It has been emotionally wrenching and time consuming to tell immediate family, and we are sorry we are not able to call or email each of our friends and family members personally to let them know of the changes in our situation and our recent decision. Eric and I have been blessed with an overabundance of kindness and support during this difficult journey, and we appreciate it so much.
Eric had a much better night last night. We met with hospice this morning and they have arranged for Eric to have a blood transfusion tomorrow morning because he lost so much blood after the PICC line was installed. I think he will feel a lot stronger after that.
Obviously there is no predicting when nature will take its course, but I have reassured Eric that if he has the chance to slip away to the other side sooner rather than later, I want him to take it. If you have ever hiked, or walked, or driven, with Eric, you know he is always impatient to see what is around the next corner. Curiosity and the desire to learn new things have always been a large part of who he is. I think he will be impressed with the opportunities to learn and grow as he passes into the next life. I just hope there is a small corner of it with a slot canyon or two for him to explore.
Eric's dehydration aggravated his liver and kidney problems and his numbers were so bad they decided to admit him to the inpatient section of the BMT clinic. This brought back a lot of bad memories for Eric, especially having to be permanently connected to the IV pole. Throughout the day the medical staff kept adding new medications and changing old ones to try to stay on top of everything that was happening. When I left the hospital in the evening Eric was not happy to be there, but doing okay.
When I arrived back at the hospital early Sunday morning, Eric looked terrible. It had been a horrible night. His chest/abdomen were distended, his eyes looked swollen, and even the shape of his face was different. Because they needed more access to his veins than his newly imbedded port allowed, they took him to get a PICC line installed. His platelet count Sunday morning was barely high enough to allow the procedure. When they brought him back he was bleeding from the PICC line, a lot! They applied two different patches that contained clotting factor and a pressure bag, but it continued to bleed like the proverbial "stuck pig".
When the doctor came by in the early afternoon we asked her to tell us what all the numbers were, and what they really meant. She said the main thing we needed to know was that Eric's blast cells had more than doubled overnight. The chemo Eric was on takes three rounds over three months to ramp up enough to make a difference, and they had already reduced the number of days he could have the chemo because it was damaging his liver. So if the cancer is doubling overnight and the chemo isn't going to make a difference for three months, you can understand our dilemma.
We talked it over for a few minutes and let the doctor know that we were calling it quits and wanted to go on hospice. She was very supportive and instructed the nurses to do everything possible to give us as much help and support as was needed to get out of the hospital and make the transition. Even though the entire BMT inpatient staff was overwhelmed with patients this weekend, they were exceptional at making us a priority.
At our first consultation with the BMT clinic back in June of 2013, they had said that they would do everything possible to support us as we fought Eric's cancer with their state of the art medical capabilities, but the moment we said we would like to switch to a different strategy they would support us 100% in that choice also. They have been true to their word, first as we chose to go on maintenance chemo and now as we have chosen to go on hospice.
When they finally unplugged Eric from the IV pole, it felt to me like a big weight was suddenly lifted off of my shoulders. As we drove home Eric said how great it felt to be going home.
A lot of people fasted and prayed for us this weekend. As we were driving home it hit me that their faith and prayers had been a tremendous help in giving us the experience we needed and the clarity to know what we should do next. Eric had always said that he didn't want to bleed to death from a thousand paper cuts, and if we had stayed at the hospital and continued to be plugged into the medical system, that is what would have happened. They have an obligation to try to fix each problem as it comes up, and challenges had piled up at an alarming rate from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. We had been given a preview of what the future held for us if we stayed within the system.
It has been emotionally wrenching and time consuming to tell immediate family, and we are sorry we are not able to call or email each of our friends and family members personally to let them know of the changes in our situation and our recent decision. Eric and I have been blessed with an overabundance of kindness and support during this difficult journey, and we appreciate it so much.
Eric had a much better night last night. We met with hospice this morning and they have arranged for Eric to have a blood transfusion tomorrow morning because he lost so much blood after the PICC line was installed. I think he will feel a lot stronger after that.
Obviously there is no predicting when nature will take its course, but I have reassured Eric that if he has the chance to slip away to the other side sooner rather than later, I want him to take it. If you have ever hiked, or walked, or driven, with Eric, you know he is always impatient to see what is around the next corner. Curiosity and the desire to learn new things have always been a large part of who he is. I think he will be impressed with the opportunities to learn and grow as he passes into the next life. I just hope there is a small corner of it with a slot canyon or two for him to explore.
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